What your New Year’s resolutions actually mean

Get organised

What it really means – I shall buy a pretty notepad or possibly a 2018 diary, write to -do lists and handy notes to myself until January 27th when I can never find a pen and always forget to write things down so said notepad stays in the bottom of my bag untouched until next January when I decide to get organised again.


Get fit/ go to the gym

What it really means – 1. Pay for a gym membership 2. Use gym religiously for a few weeks 3. Start making any excuse you can not to go (some may include “I need to mop the floors I haven’t mopped since I’ve moved in” or “I can’t get sweaty, it’s not hair wash day”) 4. Act like there isn’t £20 coming out of your bank account each month whilst you’re eating your large meat feast pizza by yourself.


Spend more time with family and friends

What it really means – Decide that you need to spend more time with your loved ones and start going to the family parties you always bail out of but soon remembering the reason why you started to bail in the first place. So yet again slowly but surely fade out the family get – togethers and maybe just join your mum when she does a big shop in Tesco every now and then or watch what she wants on TV and not moan about it.


Do more good deeds for others

What it really means – Start talking to the charity workers in the high street rather than walking past them when they make a b-line for you. Also, if you’re feeling generous putting your spare change you got from your Big Mac in the charity box at the till in McDonalds.


Find the love of your life

What it really means – Buy a dog.


Learn something new

What it really means – Think for ages about something new you could learn that is in your skillset. Give up and try yoga for a bit.


Eat more healthily

What it really means – Buy a punnet of strawberries and raspberries when they’re on offer because do you know how expensive they are? Oh and carry an apple round in your bag just in case the greggs you had for lunch didn’t fill you up.


Travel to new places

What it really means – Plan your ‘finding myself’ trip to Bali, Great Barrier Reef and Fiji tell everyone your plans and how excited you are but slowly realise your funds will let you go as far as Eastbourne.

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